Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
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For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.