Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
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This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
lmao
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.