God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
You Might Also Like
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
CUTE CAT‼︎
I’m giving up for Lent.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Good Morning.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.