Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
You Might Also Like
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Don’t touch that.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend