Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”