4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
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customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.