Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
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[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Stop sending me this shit.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.