My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
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eating my hot dog hamburger style
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.