Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
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The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion