Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
You Might Also Like
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Why font matters.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
This can never not be funny 😭😭
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?