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Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.