SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
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Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
huge if true: the moon
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.