this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Every time.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.