olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
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Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.