Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
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Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.