Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
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me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
no!! no!!!!!!
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.