Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome