*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
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None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.