I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.