I have a black belt in leather
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The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Netflix and awkward silence?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it