Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
You Might Also Like
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.