Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
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[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?