May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack