Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
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I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]