I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
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[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Eat…
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT