Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
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ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined