I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office