*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now