The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
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Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.