incredible
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me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.