How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
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true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting