ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
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Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.