If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
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If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs