Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
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*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU