Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
i made a craigslist ad !
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.