Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
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somebody come look at this
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.