My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
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How to properly lift a body
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
liiiiiiiiike
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
selena gomez
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.