Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
The game has officially changed 😎
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
#DesignFail
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys