Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
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When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?