“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
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Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
*aggressively waits in line*
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them