“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer: