Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
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Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.