The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
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“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.