[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
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“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
#winning
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.