“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
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[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
is this a warning or an offer?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Love it! 👍😂
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean