I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
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My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
my mind
You just read my mind
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*