i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
You Might Also Like
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me: