Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
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I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
i really liked this one
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time