I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
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The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right