When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
January is lasting longer than my marriage
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.